through painful loss, Love abides for thee...

I am speechless. I have heard of tragedy before, but the news I have just received has taken me to a place I never wanted to go to for a very long time. How could this have happened, and to him of all people? I am shutting down, becoming numb to everything in my current environment. I wish not to feel anything; pain, joy, sorrow, hope, love, I just want to be numb. This is not the case however, all I fell is pain and sorrow, regret and dismay, wondering about the what ifs of what could have been done different. I am sick to my stomach and no matter what, this knot that is turning round and round inside of me only grows. I am in mourning and wish not to be. I was in this place a year ago now and was ready to be finished myself, and I even tried to accomplish this so, only to fail. So here I sit, writing what someone may have been writing about me not long ago, in pain, sorrow, and mourning over what I almost accomplished.

I have lost a dear friend to suicide. A friend who I looked up to and admired as a man, friend, and brother in Christ Jesus. Having spent a good amount of time with him, I have no opportunity to tell him just how much his faith and words of encouragement have always been to me. He shone the light of Christ like no other man I have ever known. He exemplified an unconditional love for people that was unlike any other I have ever known, whether he knew you or had just met you five minutes ago. He has left behind a wife and two daughters in a tragic state of pain, full of questions, and deeper sorrow than I will ever know. Is telling them I am sorry for their loss really going to help them to cope in this horrible event that will affect them for the rest of their lives? What am I to tell them, That things will get better over time, that they will move past this some day? Sadly, the worst part is that he never reached out to anyone for help or to talk to about his struggles, pain, and sadness. He simply built it up inside of himself until finally he could bare it no longer and felt he was left with only one way out, death. I will be there for my friends who are now without a husband and father, there to listen, pray, and love them whilst they are in this great suffering and more than likely will be doing for a very long time.

I have been listening to someone challenge me in figuring out what my story is and who is writing it. Is it me, or someone else, who knows me better than myself, Christ? Am I humbly submitting to his will for my life so that he may write a story of my life that only he could write? Embarrassing enough, I am not. I am selfish and want to have control of everything in my life. What is the result of my decision to live for myself instead of for Christ? That I am missing out on the man that God wants me to be and the story he wants to write of my life and the glory that he deserves to receive for the many miracles he has performed and wants to still in my life. A break down is coming that I must work through and surrender to Christ so that I may carry on the work that God has called all of us to do, something that my late friend was very good at because he had amazing zeal and passion for sharing God’s abundant love and grace with each person he encountered. This I know will be no easy task to accomplish but I will strive to do my best and not give up. I do not want this tragedy to be over-looked, but remembered as something to fuel my passion for Christ’s love and forgiveness. Do not quit fighting for your loved one’s and make sure to reaffirm them of their value and meaning in your life and the lives of so many others. Our secrets are our worst enemy and unless you bring them to light and expose them they will continue to have power and control over you, bringing you down and as you have read, to a feeling of only having one way out. Help is out there, your story matters to so many that it is best told by you, not for you after you have gone to rest, never to speak to or leave such a direct impact in people’s lives.

Who will carry on your legacy? Who can do what you did for Christ the way that you were able to do? You are irreplaceable and so in your memory we will continue the love and service you showed to all people you encountered. On this somber Monday morning, we have gathered to celebrate your life and our memories of you that are dear to us. As we weep that you are no longer with us, we also are filled with joy that you are finally with your true and perfect father. I myself envy your place of everlasting eternal residence, as many of us wish to be before the throne worshiping our loving father of light.

I will miss you more than you know, as will so many others who have and do and always will love you. My memorable time spent with you shall be cherished for the rest of my life, only leaving me wishing that we had more of them. I will not mourn forever for I know that I will see you again someday in heaven. When that day comes I shall rejoice not only in seeing you but more so in worshiping our creator side by side, seeing your shining smile on your face. Nevertheless, for now I cannot help but to weep over what has happened. Your story was not yet finished being written by God and he had so much more for you to do, bringing him glory in a way that only you could. You decided to finish writing your story though and with a tragic ending no less. You fell into a dark place, shutting everyone out and trying to escape from it at the same time. We however will continue to write your story in our own lives because of the love you have shown us. My words I write in memory of you will not do justice in truly defining and explaining who you were and the impact you made on my life. However, this is a form of my release of the pain and sorrow I am experiencing right now. You are heavy on my heart my friend and will be for a long time. Please know that you are already missed, and always will be until that day comes when all of us who knew and loved you meet up in heaven for eternal celebration of the King.

This is not good-bye to you my friend, but until we meet again, and though it will not be here on earth it will happen elsewhere. We love you and we miss you, and wish you had let us help you before it was to late to do so. Your pain and suffering is over, but ours has just increased upon having lost your amazing God given friendship. Grace and peace be with you, you are loved more than you know. His name was, is, and always will be, Kelly Tescher.